8:40pm – What have I done? When will it all end? I thought this thing would be a cure for loneliness. Yet, I’ve never felt more distant from anyone. Everyone’s so happy for us – everyone except us. What’s this charade we’re putting on? How much more can I take before I die of an ulcer? I want to run. I want to hide. I feel just as much of a freak as anyone. — I watch young couples; in UTTER amazement. Why can’t WE be like that? If she were to read my journals from years ago, ever since Brad, she would find out some pretty disturbing stuff.
Why don’t I want to see her? I’m SOO stressed out — and she’s a major stressor in my life. Sometimes, I’m totally stunned by the things that come out of her mouth. The issue today has to do with Jon. She can’t stand him. We met with Hal Baumchen today — probably one of the toughest sessions ever. She does not want him to be a part of my life AT ALL! Much less have ANYTHING to do with the wedding. She’s even trumping up charges that he’s made passes at her, which is SO not true, and she knows it. It really makes me wonder who I’m marrying. She’s either evil or immature. I tend to think the latter. But, I still can’t believe it. I guess, what I would really wish is for her and Jon to somehow make amends, and get along. For her to ask Jon out to lunch, to make SOME kind of effort to get to know him, If she would even TRY to make an effort toward him, even just a little gesture, I would be grateful. I feel so distrusted, (if that’s a word). How can I make it MORE clear to her, that Jon is an important person in my life. Sure, there a history of dysfunction there, but, it’s just that — a history. Well, maybe that’s not ENTIRELY true, yet. But, for the most part AND surely 100% soon, if not eventually.
While it’s true that my friendship to Jon is important to me, well, wait, he IS like a brother to me, and turning my back on him is NOT an option. The way I see it, is she’ll either have to accept him, or turn her back on me; the fact is, I WON’T turn away from either of them — She has to understand, this [ ] is part of the (consequence, reality, etc) of marrying me. I basically can’t be close to SOMEONE without her feeling jealous. And I DON’T agree that she’s always aware of inappropriate feelings towards certain people. Heck, there ARE certain guys right now that I am drawn to more than Jon. — And, she’s totally oblivious. As much as it might feel like to her, Jon is NOT a former “girlfriend.” Soooo far from it. He is NOT threat.