9:20PM — Here I sit, in our beautiful living room, on our gorgeous expensive couch, feeling sorry for myself. A few guys at the mall just now mocked me for some reason making me feel self-conscious. And so it goes.

My wife wants me to treat her as a loving husband really would. But, I feel like I’m such a loser and a freak. A loner. She SO doesn’t get it. It seems like EVERY emotion I experience, she interprets as rejection. — I didn’t really want to be alone tonight. — But, she really kinda ruined it. — She actually just came down here and I told her a bit about how I was feeling. — I even teared up a bit and it just went right past her. She started telling me about how other guys are coming on to her and everything. That just made it all the more worse for me. The main reason being, here I am, trying to pour out my heart, and all she can do is tell me how rejected SHE feels! I’m like thinking, “Gee thanks! That makes me feel a WHOLE lot better!”

Now, I don’t really care of other men coming on to her or not — I’m just amazed at how totally out of touch with me she is. My private hell, I guess, is mine to bear.

[NOTE: Lack of empathy for the feelings of others and then turning the focus of the attention on HER. Typical narcissistic behavior.]

I just read back in this journal a year ago from now. Not much was different then. It looks like I was drinking quite a bit — my parents weren’t doing well, and I was depressed as ever. One thing though, it looks like I was still flying high in my personality; this “new rough around the edges” Steve” — the overly self-confident guy; where’d THAT go? Actually, what I think is REALLY missing here is God. — I need to take a walk.

8:10am — My last week of classes are finally over. I was the last person to leave for my accounting final on Tuesday – but I think I may have botched a couple parts.

Sara and I have been doing a lot of fighting this past week. Apparently, I’ve been a big jerk, but, not really consistently. I think we had a [ ] talk on Thursday. While I readily acknowledge my shortcomings when it comes to showing love, I remembered that she ALSO has to treat ME a certain way — with respect. She’ll say that she shows me love all the time, but that’s not what I’m looking for. I want respect. — I don’t think she totally gets that. We’re both very strong-willed and stubborn. But, when she gets “fiesty” with me and demanding — it just makes me angrier and angrier and angrier and zaps any feelings of love.

We’ve been making good use of the bikes we bought last week. We’ve gone on some pretty big bike trips — especially yesterday – to Chanhassen and back, 20 miles. (Watch, in a few months or so 20 miles will seem like nothing.)

I met with Todd Fierst on Wednesday night (and will again in an hour and fifteen minutes at Wooddale.) He told me he had become a Christian (or, as he put it, “Gave my heart to Jesus”). He’s such a hard guy to read. I can never tell what he’s looking for from me.