Protected: May 13, 2007
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When you think about the issue of domestic abuse, most people, if not even nearly everyone, thinks of a woman being battered by a man. Hardly anyone thinks that it could possibly be the other way around. However, the reality is, there are just as many men being abused by women as there are women being abused by men. The statistics are skewed on this point because most men do not come forward with this.
For whatever reason, women have gotten some sort of a “free pass,” such that they can do or say whatever they want to a man and feel as though they are totally innocent. Plus, if they DO feel the need to act in a mean way, it obviously means that the man initiated, HE started it.
Women are always the innocent flowers. Their feelings are much more important than those of whatever a man calls “his feelings.” What nonsense, really. Men aren’t REAL human beings — they don’t experience pain and rejection the same way that women do; and, if they DO complain about it, well then that obviously means they are not “man” enough, or that they are just “too sensitive.”
How could I have been so blind? How could I have been so stupid?
It’s Easter Sunday. (Well, I still haven’t gone to bed yet from Saturday.) Easter is significant for me for one primary reason. It was on this day, in 1987, right after I had turned 18 years old, that I was baptized — Baptized in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. This was at First Evangelical Covenant Church, 22 years ago!!
Since I had grown up believing the beliefs of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, a very anti-trinitarian religion, and had spent the previous 4 years struggling with my faith and desperately wanting to know the truth, particularly the deity of Christ, this public confession of my faith was definitely a life-changing moment in my life. Unfortunately, it also meant being disowned (temporarily, that is) by my mother who was devastated, and treated like I’d been brainwashed by my father.
Back then, I was very smug, but yet, still teachable. Because I’d learned JW theology inside and out, and read the Bible continuously, the other kids in the youth group weren’t accustomed to another non-Christian with so much knowledge. When I first showed up at this church, by the invitation of a friend I’d met in High School, I had built up such an animosity towards this and other churches of “Christendom,” believing that their sole reason for existence was money. (Oh how I remember the lumps in my throat as the collection plate was passed by!)
Shortly after that, I went to a Christian college appropriately named, “Trinity” where I double-majored in Youth Ministries and Psychology (having completed both within 4 years!). I had to work myself through school since my parents refused to pay for it because I didn’t go to a school that THEY approved of. While it’s true I could have chosen a better institution, Trinity was close enough to my hometown of Rockford, and it allowed me the immersion into true Christianity that I needed at that time.
Being surrounded by so many Christians, taking several Bible classes, going to chapel services 3 times a week, allowed me to get caught up to speed after spending 17 years of my life in a very distorted version of God’s truth.
It was here that the concepte of God’s grace and total forgiveness began sinking in. Most of us have such a “works-oriented” mentality toward salvation, as if it was something to earn or achieve! To think that ALL we have to do is to be broken by our own sin, realizing that we’re helpless to overcome it on our own, and confess it to God with a genuine intent to allow HIM to change us that we then have Eternal Life! (Ephesians 2:8, 9).
This acceptance of God’s offer of salvation, (which is nothing less than an offer to have a restored relationship with Him which was severed as a result of our sin), is extremely personal and private. Although there may be others witnessing the event, it is an interaction strictly between our spirit and God’s. It is very much parallel to a man proposing to his girlfriend. He asks her to make a choice to be in a loving relationship for the REST of their lives. By him asking her, “Will you marry me?” he’s asking her to leave her former life and to join HIS. It is the same thing with Christ. He holds out His hand to us, asking us to join Him, to leave our former lives of sin, and to have a relationship with Him.
When the couple appears at the wedding, it is a public event, held before the church community. The groom is there, standing at the alter, waiting for her. It is SHE, the bride, who must COME to HIM!! Her former caretaker, her father, hands her over to her new caretaker, the groom. They pronounce to the world the commitment they had already made in private and expose their commitment to each other, TIL DEATH DO US PART. — This is not unlike our baptism, which is also a public event. Each of us, as the Bride of Christ, approaches the baptizer who represents the Groom. These two have already made their promises to each other personally, but now is the time for it to be witnessed before the Church. The dunking into the water, representing both Christ washing us free of our sin as well as the dying to ourselves, (i.e. the lowering as if in a coffin), and being born again into a new life with our now Husband, Jesus Christ. While we commit to our earthly spouses, “til DEATH do us part,” to Christ we commit “til ETERNITY do us part!”
It was this stark realization I had that gave me a whole new reverence for marriage and the ceremonies that go along with it. I do not know if God has that blessing in store for me again or not, but, it is a real, earthly metaphor, (that may be helpful during evangelism), to illustrate God’s gracious offer, to be totally forgiven, and to spend eternity with Him!
God Bless Everyone, and, remember: HE IS RISEN!!
6:54pm – Good Friday — I am in Rockford by myself this time. Much as developed since the previous writing. I have decided to go for my MBA at the University of Minnesota and to seriously look for a new job. I found out yesterday that I will be reporting to a new supervisor – a hot shot pin-headed prick named Nick Martin who seems more concerned about what I do to make HIM look good rather than sticking up for me and taking my best interests to heart.
I’ll be back in a bit. I need to pick up a McDonald’s fish sandwich for my hungry mother.
This is my second Thanksgiving Day on my second chance at life. A little over a year ago, on November 10, 2008, my life was miraculously saved from imminent death. One unknown generous person, simply because he or she was a registered organ donor, sacrificed his or her physical heart to replace my old, dying one.
Someday, I may find out who this wonderful person was and be able to express my infinite gratitude to his or her family. Aside from this person, there are literally dozens and dozens of many others to whom I am indebted to as well. On this day, I thank God and of course, ALL of you who so generously shared pieces of your OWN heart so that I could have a whole new one.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you all!
Have a blessed Thanksgiving!
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8:02am — Well, I was able to pull some strings and get us moved into the townhouse a few days early. So, instead of having to wait until the 19th
TO BE CONTINUED
6:45am – Cancun, Mexico
Yesterday was our first anniversary. Sara and I flew down here to Cancun, Mexico on Friday morning. We’ll be here a week. It’s really hot usually, but, we got switched to a fabulous room that is on the corner of the building, allowing you to see the ocean all over. It’s gorgeous!
I made sure yesterday was special for her, even though our relationship is a bit rocky. We had a real cute dinner experience. Our waiter was extremely accommodating and friendly.
“God, I still feel a bit lost. I cry out to You for guidance. Please restore and renew my faith in You, so that in turn, I can be the man and husband I am created to be. Lord, forgive me of my egregious sins and please protect me from the lure of temptation.”
9:20PM — Here I sit, in our beautiful living room, on our gorgeous expensive couch, feeling sorry for myself. A few guys at the mall just now mocked me for some reason making me feel self-conscious. And so it goes.
My wife wants me to treat her as a loving husband really would. But, I feel like I’m such a loser and a freak. A loner. She SO doesn’t get it. It seems like EVERY emotion I experience, she interprets as rejection. — I didn’t really want to be alone tonight. — But, she really kinda ruined it. — She actually just came down here and I told her a bit about how I was feeling. — I even teared up a bit and it just went right past her. She started telling me about how other guys are coming on to her and everything. That just made it all the more worse for me. The main reason being, here I am, trying to pour out my heart, and all she can do is tell me how rejected SHE feels! I’m like thinking, “Gee thanks! That makes me feel a WHOLE lot better!”
Now, I don’t really care of other men coming on to her or not — I’m just amazed at how totally out of touch with me she is. My private hell, I guess, is mine to bear.
[NOTE: Lack of empathy for the feelings of others and then turning the focus of the attention on HER. Typical narcissistic behavior.]
I just read back in this journal a year ago from now. Not much was different then. It looks like I was drinking quite a bit — my parents weren’t doing well, and I was depressed as ever. One thing though, it looks like I was still flying high in my personality; this “new rough around the edges” Steve” — the overly self-confident guy; where’d THAT go? Actually, what I think is REALLY missing here is God. — I need to take a walk.