Friday, June 25, 2004

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6:25pm — If I were to describe this week the first word to come to mind would be “exhausting.”

Here are the highlights:

Monday, I had an interview with this guy from Ingenix for a Sr. B.A. position. His name is Trent Schaffler. I met with him for an hour and a half on Monday morning and point blank told him, “I want this.” — It was my ambition (what he called “drive”) that put me over the edge. He made it sound like it would just be a matter of red tape — but I waited and waited and waited.

Later that day, I found out Jon was probably going to lose his job — the bastard. He got another DUI a couple weeks ago and totally lost his license AND license plates. So, he wouldn’t really drive drive illegally without being afraid of getting caught It really stressed me out. All I could think about “great. Now he’s gonna ask for a break in rent.” — The LAST thing I wanted to hear.

He called and asked for a ride to his work so he could get some stuff and whatever. I had had plans with Sara’s brother, Brian to go job hunting. I wound up postponing with Brian and driving over to the house to pick up Jon. When I got there, I found out he was at Fridays. I went down there and he was already a bit tipsy. The plans had changed. He was no longer interested in going in to work. He went off with this guy downtown and spent the night partying and getting drunk.

Tuesday — I get a phone call from Ben telling me that Jon was with them the night before, but refused to stay at Ben’s. Ben got a strange and disturbing phone message from Jon that includes sounds of yelling in a stairwell and gunshots. — I started freaking out. I couldn’t think straight. I ended up driving to the house only to find Jon sleeping in his bed — he had taken a cab home.

All this is in the midst of the limbo I was in with tis potential new job that I couldn’t tell anyone about and than I was also trying to coordinate this surprise birthday party for Sara which happened last night. It all been WAY too much.

It was Sara’s first surprise party and her last birthday as a single woman.

I got the word about the job toady. I had to drop the bomb on Mike (my boss). It was tougher than I thought. He actually seemed hurt and disappointed. His words to me were, “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Sunday, June 6, 2004

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12:08am (Mon) — This weekend was a little tough on Sara. Her ex-fiance [Keith] called yesterday and they talked for a bit. Apparently he found out she and I were engaged on some website that she had signed up for a while back. He had just broken up with another girl and wanted to know if there was ANY way they might have a chance [again]. The guy sounded desperate — but what I guess I don’t fully understand is how Sara is so broken up by his calling. I can understand how it could dredge up old emotion — but, I can’t imagine more than just a sinking feeling in the pit of your gut. I must confess, sometimes I feel as though Sara feigns sorrow or puts on a “damsel in distress” act in order to extract sympathy from me. I’m sure that SOUNDS horrible and maybe there’s some truth in it, but I think what Hal would probably say is that that is a sign that I’m not giving her enough love and attention otherwise. But, when such things happen, my immediate reaction is to act in totally the opposite way than what she wants out of me. She’s always LOOKING at me — ever-staring. I just don’t know what that’s about. It was the same with Val. It can be very unnerving.

Anyway, so this guy, Keith, sound like a real piece of work. Sara had a long conversation with him that afternoon – he sounded real conciliatory and wished her well. But, then left a couple messages later — he’s been pining after her for a long time, it sounds like.

Aside from the blatant insecurity and immaturity, there’s something about him I envy — his obvious deep feelings for Sara.

Sunday, April 4, 2004

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1:30pm — In a couple hours, Sara and I will be the owners of a new townhouse together in Eden Prairie. It’s gorgeous. It extremely close to my work and to Wooddale and to the Prairie Center mall. We had been looking around for a few weeks and finally settled on this new development out there. I found a really good, really nice realtor named Sherwin Teradash; he’s an older guy, but really, really sharp and goes out of his way to help out. Just a sweetheart of a guy.

The other night, Sara and I went out to talk about this problem she has with Jon. (Actually, it’s my relationship with him that’s more the problem. I don’t know that anything was resolved other than what I FEEL is the real issue — which is her feeling second-rate. I acknowledged that and apologized for that, but, I continued to drink and shouldn’t have. She ended up having to drive my car home while I became a drunken baffoon. I vowed not to take another sip until our wedding. I was so disgusted with myself the following morning. Especially if we’re considering having a family intervention for my mom. I’m just afraid my own behavior might draw unwanted [attention].

Thursday, April 1, 2004

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8:55pm — I forgot to mention yesterday that I’ve been back in touch with Dawn Adams. She sent me a little Christmas card and I responded, and then she called. I learned a lot more about Ryan’s accident [her son who I used to help babysit when he was very young. Dawn is a single mother]. Apparently, his neck and chest were pretty torn up. It happened back in August of last year. I’m a bit amazed that he’s doing as well as he is. But, he did miss his first semester of school and is apparently very depressed.

“Are you sure we didn’t come from two different worlds? Are the things that are important and interesting to me important and interesting to and vice versa? Let me add another category: fun.

“God, help me not to be so selfish, here. Help me to have the right, mature, and loving attitude I should” The BIG issue is reassurance — She needs to be reassured that SHE is first in my life. I’m just not sure how to do that. I guess being more physical and intimate is key. I have been communicating that enough to her.

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

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8:40pm – What have I done? When will it all end? I thought this thing would be a cure for loneliness. Yet, I’ve never felt more distant from anyone. Everyone’s so happy for us – everyone except us. What’s this charade we’re putting on? How much more can I take before I die of an ulcer? I want to run. I want to hide. I feel just as much of a freak as anyone. — I watch young couples; in UTTER amazement. Why can’t WE be like that? If she were to read my journals from years ago, ever since Brad, she would find out some pretty disturbing stuff.

Why don’t I want to see her? I’m SOO stressed out — and she’s a major stressor in my life. Sometimes, I’m totally stunned by the things that come out of her mouth. The issue today has to do with Jon. She can’t stand him. We met with Hal Baumchen today — probably one of the toughest sessions ever. She does not want him to be a part of my life AT ALL! Much less have ANYTHING to do with the wedding. She’s even trumping up charges that he’s made passes at her, which is SO not true, and she knows it. It really makes me wonder who I’m marrying. She’s either evil or immature. I tend to think the latter. But, I still can’t believe it. I guess, what I would really wish is for her and Jon to somehow make amends, and get along. For her to ask Jon out to lunch, to make SOME kind of effort to get to know him, If she would even TRY to make an effort toward him, even just a little gesture, I would be grateful. I feel so distrusted, (if that’s a word). How can I make it MORE clear to her, that Jon is an important person in my life. Sure, there a history of dysfunction there, but, it’s just that — a history. Well, maybe that’s not ENTIRELY true, yet. But, for the most part AND surely 100% soon, if not eventually.
While it’s true that my friendship to Jon is important to me, well, wait, he IS like a brother to me, and turning my back on him is NOT an option. The way I see it, is she’ll either have to accept him, or turn her back on me; the fact is, I WON’T turn away from either of them — She has to understand, this [ ] is part of the (consequence, reality, etc) of marrying me. I basically can’t be close to SOMEONE without her feeling jealous. And I DON’T agree that she’s always aware of inappropriate feelings towards certain people. Heck, there ARE certain guys right now that I am drawn to more than Jon. — And, she’s totally oblivious. As much as it might feel like to her, Jon is NOT a former “girlfriend.” Soooo far from it. He is NOT threat.