I woke up 45 minutes later than I wanted to today. Even though it’s Saturday, we still have treatment. But, I was just SOOOO tired from not having had decent sleep from the previous two nights, I just crashed lastnight and did not feel like getting up at all! So, at 8:46am, I looked at the clock, jumped out of bed, and was out the door walking to the hospital in the frigid air wearing myflip flops and no coat. I didn’t get to the hospital until 9:15 and thought for sure I would be the last one there. I wasn’t. Two other guys showed up after me.
Oddly enough, I have really REALLY enjoying this experience at this treatment program I’m in at Mercy Hospital in Janesville, WI. The addictions counselors are really cool, and the exercises they’re having us do and discuss are very enlightening; providing us with ways to examine ourselves, the ways we communicate with others, how we see ourselves in the future, understanding the nature of addiction and how to achieve and maintain sobriety.
Today, we did this interesting exercise in which we had to write a letter to our future selves. The idea was to write it now, seal it up, and then only open it up for some designated date sometime in the future, (i.e. one year from now, five years, ten, etc.). I decided to take a different approach, though. Instead of sealing it up, I decided I wanted to write it out, and then tape it to my mirror, to be read every morning.
Since we only had about 10 – 15 minutes to write, I just started writing out things as they came to mind which I plan on re-ordering and expanding on later.
On September 22, 2013, I, Steven Berg:
1) WILL not have taken a single sip of alcohol since the time of this writing.
2) WILL no longer be dependent upon ANYONE else for my basic, fundamental living needs such as, housing, transportation, food, clothing, etc.
4) WILL have regular, consistent and in person contact with my son, Austin.
5) WILL have as my primary circle of close friends, people with whom I share the same religious beliefs and moral values (i.e. active involvement in a Bible-believing church)
6) WILL be reconciled (as much as is possible) with my family and close friends who have somehow been hurt by my addiction to alcohol.
7) WILL have a clear and defined path for completing my MBA.
8) WILL be financially responsible by living according to a pre-determined, reasonable budget.
To this day, I still don’t know who the gracious donor was who gave his or heart to replace my broken one that 10th day of November 2008.In May of that year, I had just been through a devastating custody battle and divorce. I lost nearly everything I had ever worked for, including my beloved one only little boy, Austin. Except for this year (2011), he and I had never been together for Father’s Day even ANY of his birthday’s. (The only reason I saw him on Father’s Day this year, is because it just HAPPENED to fall on one of our SCHEDULED visits.) He is going to be 5 on July 22nd through the machinations of my ex-wife, I am still only able to see him once every 2 weeks for 2 hours at a time through SUPERVISED visits.Right after the divorce, I suddenly lost my job as a consultant working for Target Corporation in downtown Minneapolis — a job that I absolutely loved, but because of all the stress and demands of the divorce, I had to miss a lot of work and just wasn’t able to perform to the best of my abilities. As an IT Consultant, I had never had any trouble finding employment. So, I assumed it wouldn’t take very long to find a new job. I owed over $40,000 to my attorneys and was still being forced to pay my ex-wife over $1500 in monthly child support payments.I spent the rest of the summer frantically looking for work, but to no avail. Physically, I started feeling weaker and weaker, for reasons I couldn’t understand. Because I had previously been under my wife’s health insurance, through the divorce and my sudden unemployment, I was not insured, which was the reason I didn’t seek out medical help.Nevertheless, my condition only continued to worsen. I was only getting $200/week in unemployment benefits (over $300 was being garnished and sent directly to my ex-wife for child support. I became almost totally unable to take more than 10 steps at a time without having to rest. I couldn’t climb more than a few steps at a time, and often needed the help of my roommates. I often skipped meals because it required way too much energy to cook for myself.Since I knew that I had highly marketable skills, I never imagined it would be that difficult to land a job. But, the amount of time lost due to hospitalization and recovery, resulted in my being loss of a desirable commodity than before the divorce. I have been vigorously fighting against this ugly, and deliberately distorted stigma, which has been unfairly branded upon my previously immaculate reputation, ever since that divorce.On August 14, 2008, after 3 totally sleepless, painful nights I yelled for my roommate to call 911. The crushing sensation whenever I lay down prevented me from getting any sleep at all, and I would just spend the nights crying in pain. I used to be somewhat wealthy and successful, owned a few rental properties, and making a very good living along with my wife. Now, I felt like I had become such a wisp of a man who couldn’t even take care of himself anymore. I was only 29.When the paramedics came, and as I was being gurneyed out to the ambulance, I remember thinking how potentially embarrassing this was since it might only turn out to be something stupid such as panic attacks. I was taken to Hennepin County Medical Center, where, after only an hour or so, I was informed that I was in an advanced stage of Congestive Heart Failure and had double-pneumonia. Needless to say, I was shocked and scared. My family drove up to Minneapolis from Rockford, IL (where I was born and raised). Since I wasn’t able to care for myself, I moved there along with them. It was shortly after that, at a local hospital that wasn’t qualified or equipped to handle transplants (very few actually are), that my family was pulled aside into a consultation room and told that I was definitely going to die and that they should prepare themselves for it. I had no idea that it had become so serious and was too drugged to know that I was jaundiced and that several other of my organs and systems were failing, too. (This hospital usually sends such critical patients like me to the University of Wisconsin. But, because I was still uninsured, they wouldn’t accept me.)Out of desperation and determination, my sister, Sue, wasn’t willing to give up. She many several calls, emails, wrote letters, etc. appealing to ANYONE and EVERYONE for help. Miraculously, one hospital responded to her plea and within hours, I found myself being strapped into a helicopter bound for Christ Advocate Hospital on the south side of Chicago. After about 10 days there, I was later transported to Northwestern Memorial Hospital in downtown Chicago, which had a more established heart failure practice.During that time, my entire family came together and helped me out. My sister was (and still is), my medical power of attorney, my father was able to get me enrolled in Illinois Medicaid and Social Security Disability, my mom spent many, many nights with me in the hospital during my ordeal and would often bring me my favorite white chocolate mocha from the Au bon Pain restaurant downstairs, and my aunt and uncle allowed me to live with them for several months during my recovery.After I had finally been cleared to be put on the organ donor recipient list, (UNOS), I was expecting to have to wait several weeks or even months before a new heart became available. Within only 3 days on the list, on November 9th, I received a call in my room at around 10pm. They found me a new “Cadillac of a heart!” It was up to me to make the decision whether to accept it or not. I had read a whole lot of information about how much pain and discomfort I would be in right after the surgery. It was just too soon! I was suddenly extremely nervous and scared to death. Needless to say, I consented. I called my family (who were 90 miles away), and told them. They were at the hospital within a couple hours.As I was being wheeled into the operating room, my mom held my hand, and, the thought that that might be the last time I’d ever see her, was overwhelming.Within minutes, the anesthesia took effect, and 27 hours later, I started coming to. I looked down at myself, only to see this:
There were breathing tubes down my throat, oxygen being fed into my nose, 3 tubes coming out of holes that had been inserted into my stomach, catheters so that I could go to the bathroom, pumps wrapped around my legs, and a battery of IV’s dripping into my bloodstream. The next few weeks, I spent recovering in the hospital. I had to relearn how to walk by wheeling my own IV pole around the hospital halls. And, despite a very good prognosis, I would still get depressed and lonely.I really, really hated being such a burden on people, but, frankly, I just had no choice. Several times, all alone in my hospital bed, unable to get to sleep because of the high dosage of immuno-suppressants I was on, (which cause insomnia), I often thought about just giving up. But, that thought ALWAYS triggered thoughts about my little son, Austin. I have WAAAY too many heroes to thank, but, my number one hero (next to God, of course), is Austin. He doesn’t even know it yet, but, because of my commitment to somehow be the best dad I can be to that little guy, he kept me alive.I have been bound and determined to get my life back together. As soon as I was able to, I moved back to Minnesota in order to be close to my son. Currently, I can only see him for an hour every other Saturday. I had to file Chapter 7 bankruptcy which was discharged this past January. My only remaining large asset, my house, is going into foreclosure and I will be forced to vacate on or before October 20, 2010.When I purchased my house exactly 10 years ago, I fell in love with it and took great care of it. Once I got married, I kept it as a rental. But, when I got sick, I wasn’t able to look after it anymore and my tenants didn’t take care of. It’s now falling apart and in various stages of disrepair. My backyard lawn is destroyed, (as is the sprinkler system), my deck is virtually rotted away, I’ve had my patio furniture stolen, two windows are broken out, holes have been punched into my walls, the ceiling in one of the bathrooms is totally water damaged, etc.(Latest update: That house that I once loved, is now foreclosed on and no longer in my possession. I had been renting from some friends for a while, but I am now back in Illinois for the summer living with my parents.)I am now aggressively looking for long-term employment, and have fortunately had several options open to me. I’ve been submitted to several places as a short term consultant,but, because of my medical expenses, I need to find a permanent position rather than a job that will just end at a certain time along with any income that was associated with it.I have so many different prescriptions that I can’t forget to take 4 times a day, and, every few months, I have to make arrangements to travel to Chicago for a heart biopsy to make sure the heart isn’t being rejected. (I have already had two episodes of rejection.)Despite MY situation, I am more concerned for my parents who are entering their senior years. They both have sacrificed so, so much on my behalf, both during my divorce and through my illness. Amongst all the people that I owe my life to, my mom and dad have gone to such extremes. They are also going through some really tough financial times as well because of my ordeal. Their health is also ailing and it grieves me that I’m not able to help them out like I used to.My only wish is that I could be relieved of all the burdens that are holding me back from my son, the only name bearer of our family line.Steven Berg612-234-7830
Yesterday, I had a great interview with a guy at UHG IT for a SharePoint position. I had to reveal that I had some issues on my background that might cause some problems with my getting in. Within 24 hours of doing so, I was informed late this afternoon that “Robert Half Technology would not be able to represent me on the UHG project OR the one at Lerner, that I interviewed for the day before (i.e. Monday).
I am, no doubt, extremely frustrated.
I was tempted to resort to destructive habits, but, God prevented me.
“Dear Lord, please do forgive my sins today. I confess the ones I remember now silently to you . . . I know that you have forgiven me. I receive your infinite grace and ask that your Holy Spirit would surround me with His comfort and joy. Help me, Lord, to walk faithfully according to your will. Your humble, imperfect servant. In Jesus name, Amen.”
Ok, I’ve finally done it! It’s been over two years now and I’ve finally written a letter to my heart donor’s family, letting them know how grateful I am for his or her generous donation. I have not sent this out yet, because I would definitely like to know what others think. Thanks!
Here it is:
———————————————-
March 26, 2011,
To the family and friends of my most generous heart donor,
My name is Steven Berg and I am the incredibly grateful recipient of your loved one’s heart whose life was taken from you over 2 years’ ago in November 2008. I apologize that I have allowed so much time to go by before reaching out to you, but I wanted to make sure I allowed enough time to pass before doing so.
First of all, I want to express my most sincere condolences for the loss of your loved one. Although I don’t know the circumstances surrounding the events that led up to his or her death, I wanted you to know that because of the self-less generosity of your son or daughter, husband or wife, mother or father, sister or brother, aunt or uncle, cousin, niece or nephew, or even friend or neighbor, at least one life has been saved. Because of him or her, not only did I get my own life back, but my 4-year-old son got his daddy back!
Secondly, even though I could never give back the life of the one you lost, I can only pay tribute to him or her through volunteering and becoming a serious advocate for organ donation and to raise awareness of it.
I am not necessarily expecting a response back from you, but please feel free to do so if you like.
Luda Balun – It’s been difficult for me to believe that my relatively new friend, Luda, is not an angel! I’m convinced that God put her in my life to provide a bridge from a very dark period of my life to see a new bright horizon! She has been relentless in her devotion to helping out those around her who are in need. I haven’t known Luda for very long, but we have somewhat of a kindred spirit and are becoming fast friends. She and her husband came here from Ukraine many years ago and started up their own cleaning business. We met through another mutual friend, and she has been such an inspiration to me. Whenever I have been in need whether financially, or for transportation she has been there to help out in ways that would make most other people’s jaw drop! She has also so unselfishly devoted her time and hard work toward helping me get my old house cleared and cleaned out; even going over there behind my back and virtually leaving me with nothing left to do! She has also been picking me up and bringing me to church on Sundays. Mere words simply cannot express my gratitude for all that Luda has already done for me.”Thank you, Luda for being the person that you are! I can really sense God’s love pouring out of you and I know He has a very special place in heaven reserved just for you! God bless you, my friend!”
Jean Eason – I’m not even sure Jean and I have ever even met, but it was at some time this past September that Jean appeared as suggested friend on Facebook. I knew who she was because she is a relatively well-known former Jehovah’s Witness who has appeared on several counter-cult programs. In any event, due to the friend request we began dialogging and the topic of the upcoming Witnesses Now for Jesus convention held every October in New Ringgold, Pennsylvania came up. Although the timing wasn’t the best (seeing as I was in the middle of moving out of my foreclosing house!), she took it upon herself to lead an effort to provide the means for me to travel to the convention and took care of making all of the arrangements for me while I was there. It cost several hundreds of dollars (which, I know was shared amongst several others as well who have mostly remained anonymous to me!)I gave my testimony at this same convention back in 1993 (which I have included here as a separate page on my web log). It had been seven years since I had last attended. That was the year I brought my then girlfriend who would then become my fiance two days later. Those seven years were probably the worst of my life. This years’ convention proved to be especially pivotal in my spiritual journey. God finally removed the scales from my eyes and I found myself, for the first time in such a LOOOONG time, to just let go of an ugly, foul sack of guilt, shame, anger, bitterness, and even hatred that I had been ingesting chewing upon like a cow does its cud every day. In its place, I was able to embrace God’s grace and forgiveness and gave me the ability to forgive those who have wronged me. I realized those intense feelings of being “wronged” were not ever going to help me achieve my final goal, which is to have as close of a relationship with my son, Austin, as possible.
I was also able to reunite with some great old friends that I hadn’t seen in such a long time and also made some more eternal friends.
“Thank you, Jean and those whom you were able to rally together on my behalf. You have no idea how your generous gift to me not only blessed me, but it also revived my love and passion for the Church, the Bride of Christ, whom I had become disenchanted with for far too long!
Tom Illg – I simply cannot say enough good things about my dear friend, Tom. We first met in 2000 when the company I first worked for here in Minnesota was bought out by a larger consulting firm, Compuware. As very committed conservatives who were strongly against people who believe killing unborn babies should be legal, we became fast friends. It is to TOM’S credit that we have remained friends despite our separation from working together. Tom has been SUCH a faithful, giving, and generous friend.He was there for me when I needed to discuss the pain I was going through because of the divorce and the totally unfair custody battle that resulted in my very young son from being deprived from having a good relationship with his father. He also paid for an old T-Mobile cell phone bill that I owed while I was in the hospital, and, since I’ve moved back to Minnesota, Tom has been a priceless friend in terms of helping me drive to the place where I go to see Austin, and most recently, helping me move from my old place to the new one.
“Thanks Tom! You have been SUCH an inspiration to me. The genuine love you have for your family that so much more exceeds you own career aspirations is so commendable! In fact, it has been very convicting because I used to be so career-driven, myself but just refused to admit it. You are ALWAYS there for your wife and your kids, who will NEVER EVER doubt your love for them. Tom, whether or not you ever climb to the highest rung of the corporate ladder that you have the capability to do, I regard you as the true definition of success. You HAVE achieved the American dream, because you have put your wife and children first above yourself. God bless you, Tom!”
Kristin Benda – Kristin, who VERY successfully ran a charity benefit for me in January of 2009 here in Minnesota when I was in Illinois and since I’ve moved back here, she has still remained a good friend and has helped me out whenever she can. “Thanks, Kristin!”
Dinah Urban – As strange as this might sound, Dinah is my real estate agent! Not only is she the best Realtor in the world, she’s been such a good friend to me, too! When I was still in Illinois recuperating, I found out that my tenants in my house in Burnsville had moved out. The house was left abandoned and unattended. I didn’t know who else to call but Dinah. I looked her up on the internet and sent her an email. Even though it had been ten years since I bought the house from her, she still remembered me! We talked on the phone and I explained my situation. I hadn’t seen the Burnsville house in two years and I asked her to go over to the house to check on it, which she did. When I moved back to Minnesota, Dinah was often there to give me rides to places that I needed to go, even once picking me up from downtown Minneapolis during a violent thunderstorm to go back to Burnsville.Dinah worked very hard with me to explore the different options I had regarding the house, including doing a short sale. That was the route I had prematurely decided on last year. Dinah put so much effort into doing the short sale, but then when it became apparent that it was highly improbable that the bank, CitiMortgage would accept it, we realized it was all for naught. I then decided to let the house go and asked Dinah to help me find another rent-to-own property. She put some work into that too, but it didn’t take long to realize that that was going to be impractical since I still had so much on my plate to take care of, the last thing I needed was the burden of taking care of a house!
Austin Berg – Austin is my very reason for living, now. Except for fulfilling God’s will for my life, Austin is and will always be my top priority. Even though he is only 4 years old right now, he has no idea how much joy he brings to me. He is such a joy to be with, so happy, so easy to please, and hearing him laugh makes EVERYTHING I’ve been through worth it. It is my number one mission in life to always be there for him. No matter what, he will always know that his daddy, although not perfect by any means, loved him more than anything!”Thank you, Austin, my son! You have already made me SOOOO proud! I love you more than you will ever know, and nothing thrills me more than watching you grow up. Please know that your Daddy wishes he could be with you every single day.”
