8:02am — Well, I was able to pull some strings and get us moved into the townhouse a few days early. So, instead of having to wait until the 19th

TO BE CONTINUED

6:45am – Cancun, Mexico

Yesterday was our first anniversary. Sara and I flew down here to Cancun, Mexico on Friday morning. We’ll be here a week. It’s really hot usually, but, we got switched to a fabulous room that is on the corner of the building, allowing you to see the ocean all over. It’s gorgeous!

I made sure yesterday was special for her, even though our relationship is a bit rocky. We had a real cute dinner experience. Our waiter was extremely accommodating and friendly.

“God, I still feel a bit lost. I cry out to You for guidance. Please restore and renew my faith in You, so that in turn, I can be the man and husband I am created to be. Lord, forgive me of my egregious sins and please protect me from the lure of temptation.”

9:20PM — Here I sit, in our beautiful living room, on our gorgeous expensive couch, feeling sorry for myself. A few guys at the mall just now mocked me for some reason making me feel self-conscious. And so it goes.

My wife wants me to treat her as a loving husband really would. But, I feel like I’m such a loser and a freak. A loner. She SO doesn’t get it. It seems like EVERY emotion I experience, she interprets as rejection. — I didn’t really want to be alone tonight. — But, she really kinda ruined it. — She actually just came down here and I told her a bit about how I was feeling. — I even teared up a bit and it just went right past her. She started telling me about how other guys are coming on to her and everything. That just made it all the more worse for me. The main reason being, here I am, trying to pour out my heart, and all she can do is tell me how rejected SHE feels! I’m like thinking, “Gee thanks! That makes me feel a WHOLE lot better!”

Now, I don’t really care of other men coming on to her or not — I’m just amazed at how totally out of touch with me she is. My private hell, I guess, is mine to bear.

[NOTE: Lack of empathy for the feelings of others and then turning the focus of the attention on HER. Typical narcissistic behavior.]

I just read back in this journal a year ago from now. Not much was different then. It looks like I was drinking quite a bit — my parents weren’t doing well, and I was depressed as ever. One thing though, it looks like I was still flying high in my personality; this “new rough around the edges” Steve” — the overly self-confident guy; where’d THAT go? Actually, what I think is REALLY missing here is God. — I need to take a walk.

8:10am — My last week of classes are finally over. I was the last person to leave for my accounting final on Tuesday – but I think I may have botched a couple parts.

Sara and I have been doing a lot of fighting this past week. Apparently, I’ve been a big jerk, but, not really consistently. I think we had a [ ] talk on Thursday. While I readily acknowledge my shortcomings when it comes to showing love, I remembered that she ALSO has to treat ME a certain way — with respect. She’ll say that she shows me love all the time, but that’s not what I’m looking for. I want respect. — I don’t think she totally gets that. We’re both very strong-willed and stubborn. But, when she gets “fiesty” with me and demanding — it just makes me angrier and angrier and angrier and zaps any feelings of love.

We’ve been making good use of the bikes we bought last week. We’ve gone on some pretty big bike trips — especially yesterday – to Chanhassen and back, 20 miles. (Watch, in a few months or so 20 miles will seem like nothing.)

I met with Todd Fierst on Wednesday night (and will again in an hour and fifteen minutes at Wooddale.) He told me he had become a Christian (or, as he put it, “Gave my heart to Jesus”). He’s such a hard guy to read. I can never tell what he’s looking for from me.

11:59pm — Twenty-two days into the new year and already so much has happened. I suppose the biggest thing was Jon’s getting arrested in the driveway 10 days ago. It made me a nervous wreck for days I’ve been teaching a cults class at Wooddale. Work is going VERY well, as well.

8:06am — The New Year rolled in last night — again we were with Kristie and Eddie, and just played board games — Clue.

I’m committing to a few new things this year, primarily centered around my marriage. I definitely need to do a better job of showing love to her.

“Lord, I need your help to make it through. For one thing, I need to believe in you, again. My childlike faith has vanished.

Help me, please to submit to You. 2005 belongs to YOU, O Lord!

7:00am — I have taken the week off in order to relax and get caught up on some things. My parents were here over the weekend. (Thursday through Monday morning) to do Christmas with us. Our main objective was to make sure they felt comfortable here — and I think they really did. We spent Christmas Eve here and then Christmas day at the Schwarz house.

Today is Sue’s birthday, too. She’s 35. It’s also almost New Year’s, and I’ve got some serious resolutions to make.

8:35am — This has been an interesting and pretty good week. We had a variety of guests checking out our new place. I had lunch with Brian Doten on Tuesday; Jeff Berger on Wednesday.

Todd Fierst came over on Wednesday night (with his dog). We watched the wedding video, saw the pictures, and then he and I went out for a few drinks to discuss religion. I was a bit surprised to learn that he is fairly lonely. I don’t care too much to go with him, though. He looks as though he gets easily distracted. I did get a chance to point blank share the gospel with him — since he asked what I believed.

I think I definitely need to follow up with him.

This guy I just met from Wooddale, Jeff Berger is really a great guy. I found out, too, that we’re neighbors! He lives right here in Hartford Commons. We’re doing some planning for a Defender’s type ministry.

I’m really learning the key to success in anything (virtually) is planning. If enough time hasn’t been devoted to planning something out, the risk of failure is much greater.

Another key is determination — the ability to set your mind to something and visualize your successful creation of it. I told myself yesterday, that I wasn’t going to drink too much last night; and while I did drink more than anyone else, and was tempted beyond belief, I managed to exercise self-control.