8:25am — What can I do to love my wife today? I kind of let things go south a little bit last night.

Before Sara and I went out to P.F. Changs, Patrick Thielen, the I’m working for, took me and another guy out for some beer. Man did we have an inspiring conversation — and enlightening, too.

I mentioned that all I wanted to do was to make a difference WHEREVER I’m at no matter what I’m doing. He encouraged me to PRAY for the people I work with and for especially those that I have a hard time with.

7:45am — “Father, thank you for the past few days to get a bunch of things organized and purchased. Our little place is looking great. We so don’t deserve it, but certainly was to give you all the glory for it.”

9:20am – I had coffee Brian Davis on Friday morning. I learned quite a bit actually about my job title and grade level. Apparently, I have a lot more autonomy and independence than I thought. It certainly doesn’t feel like I’m getting that

I guess I’m just going to start acting as if I DO have more autonomy. I’m just going to SUBMIT my BRD instead of asking for anyone’s opinion of it.

12:27(am-Sat) — We (our team) have been in this Visual Studio.net class all week. I have personally found it very interesting and have gotten a lot out of it. Gaylee, on the other hand, is of the opinion that it has just been a total waste of time, that we are ALL not advanced enough. But, I think I was tracking along fairly well, and I WAS the only from our entire team who consistently asked intelligent questions and maintained intelligent dialogue with the instructor. Again, instead of acknowledging the fact that I’m shining, she’s diminishing the whole thing because of her own insecurities and inadequacies.

I’m meeting with Jon in the morning. I think he finally has realized that I have some wisdom in terms of making life-decisions. However, there are definitely some stark differences between us. I know that I definitely tend to think more strategically, whereas he’s more concerned about saving face in the short run. Whenever I’m faced with some kind of conflict or confrontation, I do NOT immediately try to think of ways I can appear strong or save face. I first evaluate my circumstances, consider my options, and make your move based on that. When your boss is the only one who could make or break you, then HE is god! You should make sure you do everything in your power to make HIM happy, not matter HOW much you hate him; no matter how much you don’t respect him; no matter how much you don’t respect the company.

10:35pm — Today sucked; for the most part. Number one, I’ve been sick — a bit. so, that’s how I woke up, a bit feverish and with a sore throat.

Then, I got into a vicious argument with Sara that left me storming out of the apartment. I was so pissed at her. It was all because I had left a couple bill run late. — She started getting all mad at me and everything. Of course that only served to FURTHER piss me off because it demonstrates a lack of faith and confidence in me. I guess, you say that that was the theme of the day.

Today at work, I had to do a formal walk-through of a project scope document that I had written (that has taken me about a week now). Well anyway, my manager, Gaylee totally flipped out after having gone through the rough draft copy that I gave her this morning. Instead of encouraging me, she would only point out what was wrong and even told me how disappointed in me she was. At 11:30 she comes to me [ ] she’s [ ]at me, with this printout I gave her, totally marked up and she was almost paranoid. She told me she was disappointed and that she thought I’d be further along. Within 40 minutes, I had corrected all of the error she observed.

Anyway, I took care of everything. She totally, totally insulted . I now WITHOUT A DOUBT that I worked EXTREMELY hard — and all she could do was shoot me down. Anyway, I met with all the people needed to meet with. I secured all the requireables[??] and all she could do was be a total bitch about it. The walk-through itself was a great success. I got complimented by John, both Patrick and Kirk (Stapleton) and even Lydia — who pretty much showed for nothing because Gaylee told her she was worried. — The walk-through went great. She said NOTHING to me. One of the comments she made to me [today?] [were?] , to be honest, I’m really disappointed. What were you doing all day yesterday? I thought you’d be much further along.” She also said, “This isn’t just a reflection on you, it’s a reflection on me.” When she didn’t have time to look at my final draft, she said, “Well, this is going to be reflection on YOU not me.” — And all I could say to her was, “Gaylee, I’m not worried.”

The feeling I got from her was [ ] But, she treats me like a worthless piece of crap in the process.

I think I need to talk to Trent about this. I feel like ranting and raving about it, but I think handling in a more professional manner is more appropriate. I’m going to tell Trent that, though, but I’ll be sure to do it tactfully. I also think he’s too apologetic. It doesn’t do him any good. If someone is too bossy, then he needs to delegate and not feel sorry. I don’t think a “once-in-a-while” appearance by Trent [Schaeffer?] is bad. He’s coming across as flaky. If Gaylee is your [ ], then empower her to be so. Let all of us know this, she is YOUR representative. But, you know, that’s hard to do when she is bad-mouthing you and Ingenix. I’m sick of hearing the negative talk about Ingenix.

Conway, and Gaylee all hate Ingenix, which it’s so apparent, but that does [ ] little to boost morale. I believe in this company and I am committed to doing my part to make it the best company in the world.

I believe in what Ingenix stand for. But, as with anything, I understand there are imperfections.

1:16 (am Tuesday) — Less than 2 months to go and we will be in our new house. Last night, I went out with Forrest to this place called, “The Escape” — One of my favorite techno artists, Paul van Dyk, was playing there. It really, really was cool. We were actually there with a new potential renter who ended up throwing up in the bathroom and getting kicked out of the place. Forrest and I couldn’t find him anywhere. It was SUCH a blast! I SO don’t feel as old as I am.

We went camping this past weekend with Mike and Jen. For some reason, I feel a bit inferior to Mike — mainly because we don’t have a lot in common and he doesn’t seem that interested in the things that I’M interested in. (I mean “hobbies”, extra-vocational things like theology, history, philosophy, etc. — Well, such things, I guess only display insecurity on my part.

Right now, I suppose my priorities can be summed up as “Work, school, townhouse, renters — then myself and then Sara and God, of course . . . .” (not necessarily in that order, of course!)

12:50am – Sara and I got into a pretty big fight this morning. — In retrospect, I’m realizing that I’m still angry. She said, “You Know I’m amazed at how clueless guys are about raising kids.” This is what started it. I took that as an insult and she said she didn’t mean it that way but was only making an observation about how men and women are different. I didn’t buy it. I’m interpreting that as an act of disrespect. Which, I believe it is.

11:27pm — “Sara, we are very high achievers. Most people are not in the same realm that we are “better” than anyone, we have just both been very wise about the decisions we have made. Sara, I think of you as an extremely intelligent person. You have a business savvy that puts me to shame. I know that having kids and a family is important to you; and it is to me too. But, I think you’ve been given some unique gifts and talents that separate you from most other women — including all of the women in your family. I don’t think, therefore, it would be a good idea for you to jeopardize your career.”

11:27pm — I’ve been a little frustrated that this new team I’m on, everyone involved seems more concerned about “jumping to the solution” rather than taking a step back, analyzing the problems and determining a high-level solution.

I was told by a B.A. on the COE team to assert myself — to try and ENFORCE these processes — but, my fear is that my efforts won’t be appreciated and that they’ll actually be viewed as a hindrance to our performance and ultimate success. I guess if I just assume that this is how it’s going to be, and continue to operate under those assumptions, I’ll probably be ok. But, what about the fact that I AM constantly dealing with resistance? My team leader, this lady, Gaylee (La Grange), I think is totally out of her league. I KNOW she’s intimidated by me. And, she HAS given me a lot of clearance as far as doing the things that I think should be done (as far as defining process is concerned). But, she has NO CLUE about some things. I had an inkling yesterday that she might be picking up. But, today, in a meeting with the founder of the entire project, I balked at her when she made what seemed to me to be an outrageous comment. When one of the business representatives gave us a “generous” end date (January 5), internally I sighed in relief, but Gaylee jumped in, and in typical, amateurness, even unprofessional manner said, “Oh, I’m sure we would have it done MUCH sooner than that.” So, I reacted out of my disbelief and said, “What?! Who’s side are you on? This hasn’t even been scoped out yet?” On the surface, ALL projects sound like “no big deal”. “We can whip that up in no time.”

The key here is going to be how I can make my efforts and commitment be viewed as DIRECT success factors. In other words, my contributions were critical components to this project’s success. Somehow, I’ll also need to make that visible to Kirk.

Perhaps, I can dispel a lot of cynicism by outright admitting my tendency to lean towards the ideal. In a joking manner, “confess” my “sin” and let it be known that I welcome correction when I go too far. And yet, in reality, it IS my belief that I DO deserve more recognition.