PLEASE NOTE: Most the following content was written several years ago and may or may not represent my feelings as of now. I did not realize at the time, but I am convinced that Sara was suffering (and may still be) suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Her behavior and choices fit the description perfectly. I will explain this later on in this book.
This has got to be my most favorite picture of my now ex-wife, Sara and me. It’s a picture (very dark, I know) of her and I at one of the four airports on our way to Thailand for our honeymoon. I like it because we both look fantastic, happy, casual, and natural. It must be because we were both totally exhausted! (It took well over 17 hours to get from Minneapolis to Phuket, Thailand). But, I think the BIGGEST reason I like it, is because it actually looks like Sara was in love with me; something I’ve only come to recently realize, was pure fantasy, existing only in my own mind.
Sara and I met online on eHarmony.com in the summer of 2002. We met for the first time on September 30th of that same year. On December 1, in the parking lot of Magianno’s restaurant in Burnsville, MN, right after a romantic dinner when I told her that she makes me want to be a better man, we were sitting in my car as the first snow of the season began gently falling. As white powder began covering my windshield, I very nervously expressed my feelings for her and asked her if she wanted to start dating exclusively. Her response, although positive, caught me off guard. She said yes, but that she needed to let the other person she had apparently been seeing know about it. I had no idea at the time that I was even competing for her love.
Fast forward to October 19, 2003, in Times Square, New York City. Right there, at the intersection of Broadway and 7th Avenue where the falling of the New Year’s Eve ball is seen by millions of people every year, at 5:30 something in the evening, wearing a rented tuxedo and holding the last of a dozen red roses, I knelt down on one knee as my future wife stepped out of a black limosine, wearing a dress that I had made sure matched the color of my cumberbund, bow tie, and handkerchief. She was utterly gorgeous, and beaming so brightly, one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen. I held out the rose to her, my hand clutching the stem tightly so as to shelter the 1.3 carat diamond ring that was encircling it. I told her to read the final note attached to the last of a dozen roses that she had just collected on her guided scavenger hunt to famous hotspots around midtown Manhatten.
last note that was attached to it. It read, “He said,’Will you marry me?’ She said ‘_______’” as if to require a response. The sheer expression of uncomparable joy in her eyes that I saw, made the whole $15,000 of my own money worth it. Our over the top wedding, reception, and honeymoon, 9 months later, was no less elaborate. Except for the cake falling due to the excessive heat and humidity, and Sara having never chosen a song for her father-daughter dance, it was all totally flawless. We were both on top of the world. Friends and relatives from all over the country and the world came to witness and participate in this experience. It was literally, the happiest day of my life. Little did I know that it would be the start of a downward spiral that would set me back tens of thousands of dollars to the point of bankruptcy, emotional devastation, and almost the loss of my own life.
- Sara and I used to have a TON of fun together, especially when we were travelling. I miss those times! She had the best smile and sense of humor. We really knew how to make each other laugh.
- Hearing HER say, “I love you” always sounded strange to me. How could she “love” me when she doesn’t even KNOW me and isn’t even INTERESTED in me?
Our Relationship
The ever ubiquitous “they” has said that you should “marry your best friend.” Well, since I have always regarded myself as “sub-human” and in some regards, substantially different than “MOHHHHST PEEEEEOPLE.” (that was a common expression she used to hurl at me during arguments)
I never, ever ever felt like we were close or that she understood me (or, cared, for that matter).
– While I DO accept most of the blame for our failed marriage, Sara will never ever know just how brutal she was to me. That is because she did not realize how deeply, deeply flawed I really, really was. And, once she became more and more exposed to my far less than perfect humanity, she became more and more horrified. Because of her narcissistic personality, she needed me to continue portraying the same facade of having the perfect marriage. But, I think she thought as long as she was able to shield the imperfect side of me from the rest of the world, she herself would be ok. All she had to do was make sure everyone believed we had the picture perfect life and marriage — that’s really what started driving me crazy and what caused me to rebel against her false narrative.
(I have come to learn that, as a narcissist, that’s really all that matters to them — the outside appearance to the rest of the world is all that needs to be protected.) And, that was just it. She just never, ever got it, or actually, it’s worse, she didn’t CARE! She only cared about what people thought about HER. She did NOT care about anyone else. Not really. Instead, she complained about EVERYONE. She was the most two-faced person I ever knew. She would talk smack to me about every one around her on the one hand (especially every person in her immediate family — she despised her middle sister the worst, and thought her husband, was a flake and involved in some kind of cult) and then would turn around and treat that person like he or she was her best friend in the world the next time she saw them. She would also complain about her mom a lot as well. Saying she was such a busy-body (which she was), but, I don’t Sara really cared about that. They would gossip with each other all the time.
One thing I never really shared with anyone except a few people (including, ironically, our custody evaluators Diana Tharalson and [some other guy], but she was not only emotionally abusive, but also physically, and sexually abusive. I told the custody evaluators that Sara had raped me on more than one occasion by kicking and hitting me in bed when I said “no” when she wanted to “make love.” I would feel so pressured and used. I even once remember her screaming repeatedly at me “Why are you doing this to me?” Crying, kicking, hitting, screaming.
I shared this with the custody evaluators and I distinctly remember Diana Tharalson mocking, ridiculing, and laughing at me incredulously. “She RAPED you??!!” All I could say back to her at the time was, “Diana, if it happened, then it’s true.” — She would not believe me and did not include it in her evaluation report.
I should say, though, I was so horrible to Sara, too. I was NEVER abusive to her in any way, (never even called her names like she often did to me) but I used to get drunk a lot and stay out because I just dreaded coming home to her. I also became addicted to Adderall and it turned me into a monster. I experienced a personality change because of the drug (a side effect that Sara should have caught onto since she was a pharmaceutical sales rep), a Jekyll and Hyde, and alcohol soothed the rough edges caused by the Adderall, but it also fueled my lack of inhibition; things a normal person would only think about doing in their head became things I was able to step over the edge and do . . . . looking back, I am just horrified at the person I became.
I’m not sure if I can blame Sara for the drastic actions she took. She has been doing a wonderful job (from what I can tell from the brief interactions I have with her). But, I believe she believes things that aren’t true and has repeated false stories to others to justify her actions. She had to paint me as a monster, a freak of some sorts in order to justify leaving and divorcing me. I don’t know what she has told others in her family and friends, but, I’m sure I will find out eventually. [I’m sure once my book gets published, a lot more will come out]
For instance, even while we were separated, I was NOT having affairs (like she told people I was). I think that was the primary way she could justify the divorce because she thought I was cheating on her. Ironically, though, I suspected that she must have been cheating on me since she frequently made innuendos that she was seeing other people and the fact that she was able to get married so soon after our divorce to this guy, Garrick (Garry), who was also recently divorced. But, that’s only speculation on my part.
Despite my horrible decisions and behavior, my marital vows actually meant something to me. I believe now, to Sara, the whole wedding, reception, and the marriage itself was nothing but a show!
I think that’s why I loved it when we were travelling, when it was just me and her and nobody else. We had genuine fun as a couple then. Our honeymoon to Thailand, Cancun, New York for our engagement, the first Florida trip, Arizona, Germany, etc . . . There was no one else around for her to try to impress. Although, I do think she hated Germany and France because I was more focused on spending time with my family there than I was on her. She was pregnant with Austin then and constantly complaining of morning sickness . . . but, I mostly suspected she was using that as an excuse. She didn’t understand the language like I did and would get frustrated and mad at me when I wouldn’t translate things for her . . . . even if it wasn’t a big deal or what I knew she wouldn’t care about. (e.g. Dominik would tell me in German in the car that such and such a place that we just passed used to be a castle that is now turned into a gas station! I would react somehow and Sara would then demand that I translate for her what we just talked about.
She contributed to making me go crazy and that tried to use that against me to show that I’m not fit to have even joint LEGAL custody of our son.
One thing I do know, is that no one is truly objective, only God knows the hearts and actions of all of us. If only God could be subpoenaed>
Her Family:
Sara Schwarz/Berg/Wexler – The narcissist I feigned to love, court, proposed to and fatefully married. —
I don’t believe Sara has ever been technically diagnosed as a narcissist, but my experience with her fits the description to a tee. I will be providing examples of this throughout this manuscript.
By the way, when I say that I believe that Sara is a narcissist, that means I believe it is impossible for her to love anyone. She has no idea what that even means. That was a harsh, startling realization I never came to while we were ever together. She NEVER cared for me or about me. She only tried to by pretending to do so in front of others.
My parents believe that Sara deceived them. She pretended to be so nice and fun. But, I could ALWAYS see through her fakiness.
Because my OUTWARD bad behavior, fueled by Adderall and alcohol, was so visible and externalized, it was so easy for everyone to side with Sara, even our therapists and the custody evaluators. No one knew how difficult it was living with her.
It has been a very, very long time, and Sara has said that she has forgiven me, and I have forgiven her. She has been, from what I can tell, a fantastic mother, despite her following the demands of her demon lawyer, Ellen Schreder Donaghue.
I am very, very reluctant to shed negative light on Sara, since my crimes against her are 10 times worse. But, the reality is, I do believe she is (or at least WAS) suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. I will have to make these decisions later down the road. For now, I will continue typing out my journal entries from those years.
Beth Schwarz – Hypocritical and fake, Except for Sara, she is the one I am most disappointed with. I believed Beth was a genuine Christian and really cared about people. She was making real headway with my mom when talking to her about having a relationship with Christ, but she totally cut her off just because Sara and I split up. Beth turned out to be a terrible witness to my mom in the end who was devastated by the loss of her friendship. I can forgive Sara for giving up on me, but, I find it very hard to forgive Beth for giving up on my mom. She should really be ashamed of herself.
Ron Schwarz – Nice guy, but, so, so, whipped by the strong women in his life. My parents always described him as “milk-toast” — For whatever reason, though, I had a hard time related to Ron.
Melisa Schwarz – mousy, dowdy, very nice, sweet, suffering from very low self-esteem; Sara couldn’t stand her, constantly complained about her being lazy and frumpy. But, I really like Melisa. She was insecure, but very likable and good-hearted. I never understood why Sara looked down on her so much.
Katie Schwarz – Katie was definitely the best looking of the Schwarz kids. I also thought she was the most “normal” although I never really saw her that much.
Brian Schwarz – I have absolutely nothing negative to say about Brian. He reminded me so much of myself. Smart, nerdy, but fantastic outlook on life.